heart-to-heart

Lately I’ve felt so stressed out and tense, so taught that I could snap at any minute.  After I found out the results of the ultrasound and the canceled doctors appointment, I was disappointed, but not surprised.  Then Mike’s follow up with the urologist got canceled.  Ok, that sucks, but we’ll reschedule, right?  Yet Mike still has not been able to reschedule.  He left a message – no return phone call.  The next day, no return phone call.  When I found out he hadn’t bothered calling again, I almost had a breakdown.  I don’t like myself like this.  I knew I was overreacting, but I couldn’t help it.  My chest felt so tight, and I just stared at my computer for about 10 minutes trying to calm myself down.  Finally, I was able to distract myself enough to calm down, and I dropped it.  I didn’t want to get in a fight over the issue because no good would come from it.  But it started making me question whether Mike really wanted to get to the bottom of our problems – and if he even wanted to have a baby!  These thoughts kept flying through my head, so I deliberated on them over a few days before I realized something….I had never asked Mike if he wanted to go through with IVF. 

Ever since the doctor told me that we would most likely have to do IVF w/ ICSI, I just accepted it.  That day I came home and told Mike the results, and I thought that was that.  When Mike kept reminding me that he still had more tests that could be done, I acknowledged it, but I never expected any real results.  So while the ultrasound was disappointing (only because of the lack of knowledge), I wasn’t all that surprised.  But everytime I mentioned IVF, Mike would brush it off.  I usually just ignored it and kept going forward with my plans (at least in my head).  He even made a comment at one point saying that he didn’t understand how people could put themselves through the emotional rollercoaster.  Although that did make me pause for a moment, I brushed it aside.  I never stopped to consider the fact that the decision needed to be mutual.  That we would both be going through this emotional rollercoaster, and it needed to be a decision that we made together, not just mine.  And to tell you the truth, I realized that I was afraid to ask him, because I didn’t know how I would handle it if he told me that he wasn’t willing to go the IVF route.

 I’m not very good at bringing up emotional subjects that put me in a vulnerable spot, but I knew this one was important.  I broached the topic with him when we went to dinner the other night at the little mom and pop Italian restaurant across the street.  And for the first time, I asked him what he thought.  He explained to me that the thought scares him.  That we could invest so much time, money,energy and emotion for something that may or may not work.  At best, we may have about a 50% chance of conceiving.  While that sounds great compared to 0% naturally, it’s still a lot to risk for a maybe.  We’ll be going into debt and having our lives consumed with it until we get pregnant.   He explained that it’s not that he doesn’t want to do it, but that he just didn’t want to let his mind go there unless it was absolutely necessary.  That I can understand.

I explained to him that the thought scares me that I may not be able to have a child of my own.  It scares me to the point that if I let myself think about it, I start crying.  I am in no way in a rush to have a child, but the thought that it could never happen terrifies me.  So the decision of whether or not to do IVF if it’s necessary is not even a choice for me.  I don’t care if it’s 50%, or 25%, or 10%.  I have to give it a shot.  If in the end it’s just not succesful, I’ll have to figure out what to do next .  However, that’s one point that I won’t let my mind go to.  So I can completely understand why Mike feels the way he does.

We ended up agreeing that we will give IVF a shot if it comes to that.  We don’t know how many times, we’ll have to decide as we go.  But we made the decision together, and a lot of my stress has been relieved.  I’ve heard of marriages ending over the stress of this kind of thing, and I do not want this to come between us.  Having a baby together is supposed to be one of the most wonderful things that can happen between us, and when it eventually happens, I don’t want it tainted with arguments over getting there.