healing

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to comment for your compassion. I really do appreciate it.

I’m doing much better today than I was on Thursday. In fact, each day gets a little easier. When I first found out on Thursday that instead of a growing baby I have an empty gestational sac, I was devastated. I can’t even begin to explain the thoughts and emotions running through me when I saw the ultrasound screen. It looked like a big empty follicle, really. The feeling that something was definitely wrong sank in even deeper when the first doctor didn’t say anything, she just kept moving around the wand, looking for something. Then she had a second doctor take a look. Still, neither said anything. When they finally broke the news that I was not going to have this baby, I can’t say I was surprised, but it still hurt to hear. In fact, even as I’m typing this I have to hold back tears. The doctor said that there was no fetus inside the gestational sac, and that the pregnancy had stopped developing early on. I could tell it wasn’t easy for them to tell me the horrible news, and one of the doctors even looked like she wanted to cry for me.

As soon as the doctors left the room, I burst out in tears. Mike just held me while I sobbed in the ultrasound room, and I could tell that he was having a rough time of it as well. While we both knew the possibility was there for a miscarriage, I think we still mostly expected that this pregnancy would work out. It had all seemed to go so easy; we thought we’d gotten lucky. I managed after a few minutes to compose myself enough to go into the other room to meet with the doctor. She asked me if I had any questions, but my mind was just numb. What could I possibly ask that would make me feel any better?

She said that the most common thing that patients ask is why. I’ve read enough to know that this happens in about 20% of all pregnancies, and that it’s most likely due to the embryo having something genetically wrong with it. And that’s exactly what she explained to me. And it didn’t make me feel any better. She told me that I needed to schedule a follow on appointment for the next week so they could make sure that I’m fine after the miscarriage – or I suppose if I don’t have it, then they’ll want to put me on medication to force it.

Mike and I were mostly silent on the way home…what was there to say? We were just both so depressed. After everything that we’d went through for this pregnancy, this was how it turned out? It’s just too much.

Now I question whether I am even capable of having a baby. If we do another IVF cycle, will it just turn out the same? Will we even get pregnant the next time? How much money and time will we have to spend in order to have a baby? Before this cycle, I was prepared to do about 3 cycles. Now I’m not so sure.

We’ve started discussing our options for the future. We’re trying to decide if we want to do another cycle of IVF or if we want to take a different route and do an IUI instead using donor sperm. The cost is significantly different between IUI and IVF, and while I hate that to be a factor, it is. We could do about 10 IUI’s with donor sperm for the cost of 1 IVF cycle. But there are still so many things to think about. This is not a decision that can be made lightly, and we’re going to take some time to think about what is right for us. Even if we do decide to do another IVF cycle, we’ll wait until the spring. January is just too soon. I feel too raw.

I’m working on getting a list of questions together for my RE, because I feel like I need to be more prepared before we do anything further. Mike and I are going to do a genetics test to make sure that this is not likely to happen again. I’m also going to take the next couple of months to start hitting the gym and get myself back in shape, since multiple weeks of not being able to exercise is taking its toll. I feel like I need to prepare my body and mind for another go with all the medications and procedures.

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words. As I said before, I’m going to visit my family for Christmas and continue my healing. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

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9 Responses to “healing”

  1. Erica Says:

    I wish you a good holiday too. I know it will not be easy, but hopefully spending a little time in a different place with your family will help you start your healing.

  2. Twisted Cinderella Says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you! Have a wonderful Christmas.

  3. Emily Says:

    I am glad to hear you are doing a little better. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. Do you have an email address you would mind sharing with me? I wanted to send you something that has helped me. If not I understand, after all you don’t really know me! 🙂 That is one thing about infertility, it makes you have a bleeding heart for others in the same situation!

  4. Holly Says:

    Emily,

    I don’t mind sharing my email address. It’s daizy_lov at yahoo dot com. I agree, it is kinda funny how infertility can bond complete strangers. BUt I guess that’s part of the reason I started blogging – to meet others in the same situation I’m in.

  5. missconception Says:

    I have been thinking about you every single day and hoping that you were feeling a little better. I know it is so hard, so hard, to try to figure out what the next step should be. I am glad that you are creating a list of questions for you doctor – this will help you figure things out.
    Take good care of yourself at this time and do whatever you need to do to get through it. You are totally supported here.

  6. two peas Says:

    I am so sorry about what happened. I am glad you will be spending some time with your family during the holidays. I am just speachless… But know that you have a great group of supporters that are here for you. 🙂 Take sometime like you said to take good care of yourself, it always makes me feel better… I hope you had a great christmas and that 2008 may be full of happiness and joy!!

  7. Trace Says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry! We chose IUI w/donor sperm and in the world of fertility stuff it isn’t very expensive. I’m able to pay for it out of my regular pay checks (not covered by insurance).

  8. Mommi Tutu Says:

    Sweet pea I’m so sorry after being gone a couple of days for the holiday to come back and find what you’ve been going through! Know you are in my prayers and I am very truly sorry you are having to go through this. Please take care of yourself and know we’re all here supporting you!!!!

  9. Twisted Cinderella Says:

    I am just dropping by to see how you are doing. You are in my thoughts. (hugs)


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