healing

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to comment for your compassion. I really do appreciate it.

I’m doing much better today than I was on Thursday. In fact, each day gets a little easier. When I first found out on Thursday that instead of a growing baby I have an empty gestational sac, I was devastated. I can’t even begin to explain the thoughts and emotions running through me when I saw the ultrasound screen. It looked like a big empty follicle, really. The feeling that something was definitely wrong sank in even deeper when the first doctor didn’t say anything, she just kept moving around the wand, looking for something. Then she had a second doctor take a look. Still, neither said anything. When they finally broke the news that I was not going to have this baby, I can’t say I was surprised, but it still hurt to hear. In fact, even as I’m typing this I have to hold back tears. The doctor said that there was no fetus inside the gestational sac, and that the pregnancy had stopped developing early on. I could tell it wasn’t easy for them to tell me the horrible news, and one of the doctors even looked like she wanted to cry for me.

As soon as the doctors left the room, I burst out in tears. Mike just held me while I sobbed in the ultrasound room, and I could tell that he was having a rough time of it as well. While we both knew the possibility was there for a miscarriage, I think we still mostly expected that this pregnancy would work out. It had all seemed to go so easy; we thought we’d gotten lucky. I managed after a few minutes to compose myself enough to go into the other room to meet with the doctor. She asked me if I had any questions, but my mind was just numb. What could I possibly ask that would make me feel any better?

She said that the most common thing that patients ask is why. I’ve read enough to know that this happens in about 20% of all pregnancies, and that it’s most likely due to the embryo having something genetically wrong with it. And that’s exactly what she explained to me. And it didn’t make me feel any better. She told me that I needed to schedule a follow on appointment for the next week so they could make sure that I’m fine after the miscarriage – or I suppose if I don’t have it, then they’ll want to put me on medication to force it.

Mike and I were mostly silent on the way home…what was there to say? We were just both so depressed. After everything that we’d went through for this pregnancy, this was how it turned out? It’s just too much.

Now I question whether I am even capable of having a baby. If we do another IVF cycle, will it just turn out the same? Will we even get pregnant the next time? How much money and time will we have to spend in order to have a baby? Before this cycle, I was prepared to do about 3 cycles. Now I’m not so sure.

We’ve started discussing our options for the future. We’re trying to decide if we want to do another cycle of IVF or if we want to take a different route and do an IUI instead using donor sperm. The cost is significantly different between IUI and IVF, and while I hate that to be a factor, it is. We could do about 10 IUI’s with donor sperm for the cost of 1 IVF cycle. But there are still so many things to think about. This is not a decision that can be made lightly, and we’re going to take some time to think about what is right for us. Even if we do decide to do another IVF cycle, we’ll wait until the spring. January is just too soon. I feel too raw.

I’m working on getting a list of questions together for my RE, because I feel like I need to be more prepared before we do anything further. Mike and I are going to do a genetics test to make sure that this is not likely to happen again. I’m also going to take the next couple of months to start hitting the gym and get myself back in shape, since multiple weeks of not being able to exercise is taking its toll. I feel like I need to prepare my body and mind for another go with all the medications and procedures.

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words. As I said before, I’m going to visit my family for Christmas and continue my healing. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.