I told the first person at work today that I was pregnant. It felt so weird coming out of my mouth. In fact, I have no problem writing in my blog for the entire blogosphere to stumble upon, but I get this strange anxious feeling every time I tell someone in person (in person includes over the phone). I didn’t even want to tell this person at work, but I had to due to Navy specific reasons (I started to explain what Navy specific reasons means, but it was taking too long). Anyway, somehow I feel like I’m jinxing myself by telling people in person. I know that probably sounds extremely strange, since I had no such qualms about writing it in my blog, but it’s different somehow. For instance, for those who read my blog, you understand the heartache that can come with infertility, and that a positive pregnancy test does not necessarily mean a happy ending. But when I tell someone in person, I feel like I have to throw that caveat in there. “Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant, but don’t get too excited because there’s plenty of things that can go wrong”. I know that’s a terrible way to think, but I guess it’s just my way of protecting myself in the end. Expect the worst and be overjoyed by the best, right?
It doesn’t help that I still have yet to experience any symptoms of pregnancy. While I don’t necessarily want morning sickness, I think I would feel a twisted sense of comfort by it. It would be like my baby was saying “hey, I’m here! Pay attention to me!”. But I’ve had nothing. Logically, I know that is perfectly normal. But my emotions are yearning for some damn symptoms! Give me the aversion to food, or the super sore breasts, or yes, even the morning sickness! I can’t wait for my ultrasound in 2 weeks. I’ll feel so much better once I see the heartbeat(s).
On another note, the guy I told at work asked me if I was hoping for a boy or a girl. If he would have asked me that about a year ago, I may have told him one or the other. It’s funny how infertility can change your perspective – it truly comes down to just wanting a healthy baby. Nothing else matters after that.