It’s day # 8 of Lupron, and I’ve been riding the hormonal roller coaster since around day #5. I’m usually not a very emotional person (at least not according to me), so if you were to meet me for the first time, you probably would not notice anything amiss. However, the mood swings are something new for me, and have been kicking my ass. The littlest things make me feel depressed and want to cry. Going to work is hard, and I’ve lost most of my motivation to do anything. Honestly though, I’m not sure it’s fair to blame it on the Lupron…or if it’s just dealing with infertility in general.
I feel broken. I feel like being able to make a baby is such a natural event, and yet my body cannot do it on its own. I feel cheated. I wonder why me? I wonder if I was born like this, or is it because of my lifestyle? I feel mad. I hate that I have to take medication to get my body to do what it’s naturally supposed to on its own. I hate that Mike and I can’t spontaneously decide “hey, let’s have another baby”. I feel alone at work. I’m sad that I feel this separation from all my coworkers that I can’t talk about my pain with them. I’m sad that I have to keep up this happy front at work when half the time I just want to burst out in tears.
Lately I’ve been daydreaming a lot about moving to California to be closer to my family. I’ve been talking about it a lot over the past year, ever since my sister had my nephew, and Mike has finally agreed to move after I get out of the Navy. But the daydream includes the thought of raising our child in California. I want to raise our child to be close to his/her cousins. I want our child to be close to my family, not just see them once or twice a year. And I really want this daydream to happen.
I sometimes feel like a broken record, because all I keep saying is that I really want this cycle to work. And I suppose I will continue to sound like a broken record until this cycle does work. Because no kidding, I really want this cycle to work…
p.s. A piece of advice for giving the Lupron shots – make sure to shove the needle in fast, because otherwise…well, otherwise it hurts and leaves a little bruise.