just some thoughts

Something hit me the other night when I was being (overly) anxious about giving myself Lupron shots…I realized that this is actually happening. I’m actually in the process of trying to make a baby. Possibly even two. This is crazy. There is a large part of me that is very excited about it, and then there is this other part of me that is scared to death. There are so many things that I worry abut. Such as what if it doesn’t work? How will I react? What if it does work? What if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage? (I know, that’s a terrible thought, but I’ve read so many other women’s experiences with this, and it’s something that can very possibly happen). Then again, what if I get pregnant, and actually have a baby? I’ll be a mother. That’s scary as well. I know that sounds silly, since all I’ve been thinking about for the past 13 months is wanting to have my own child. But I have to wonder if I’ll be a good mother? I will be the one responsible for teaching him/her manners, and helping him/her learn, and helping him/her be a good person. I look forward to getting the chance to be a great mother, but it’s a huge responsibility that I worry I will somehow screw up.

As I start thinking about all that, I am yanked back into the reality that I may not even be able to have a child. I’m too realistic, and I can’t allow myself to daydream too much. I feel like I have to prepare myself for failure, otherwise I will break emotionally if this cycle does fail. I know there is always another attempt after this one, but for every failed attempt, the percentage of success goes down (in all reality, I realize that the percentage of success is the same each time, it’s just narrowed down to a more realistic figure after each attempt). I want this cycle to work so badly. I just have to hope that my body wants it just as much as my mind does. And I hope I’m one of the lucky ones that it works for on the first try.

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One Response to “just some thoughts”

  1. ewokmama Says:

    I think the decision must suddenly seem more monumental because you are finally taking definitive action. It’s no longer a shot in the dark – SOMETHING is definitely going to happen now, and yet there is still so many unknowns surrounding the outcome.

    I know you will be a fantastic parent. This doesn’t mean that you will be the perfect parent, or that you won’t make mistakes. YES, you will screw up! Parenting is trial and error. But you are capable of making tough decisions, of showing empathy, and you have dedication, so you (and your future child or children) will be fine. You just have to get used to less controlled circumstances…that can be tough!


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