Something hit me the other night when I was being (overly) anxious about giving myself Lupron shots…I realized that this is actually happening. I’m actually in the process of trying to make a baby. Possibly even two. This is crazy. There is a large part of me that is very excited about it, and then there is this other part of me that is scared to death. There are so many things that I worry abut. Such as what if it doesn’t work? How will I react? What if it does work? What if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage? (I know, that’s a terrible thought, but I’ve read so many other women’s experiences with this, and it’s something that can very possibly happen). Then again, what if I get pregnant, and actually have a baby? I’ll be a mother. That’s scary as well. I know that sounds silly, since all I’ve been thinking about for the past 13 months is wanting to have my own child. But I have to wonder if I’ll be a good mother? I will be the one responsible for teaching him/her manners, and helping him/her learn, and helping him/her be a good person. I look forward to getting the chance to be a great mother, but it’s a huge responsibility that I worry I will somehow screw up.
As I start thinking about all that, I am yanked back into the reality that I may not even be able to have a child. I’m too realistic, and I can’t allow myself to daydream too much. I feel like I have to prepare myself for failure, otherwise I will break emotionally if this cycle does fail. I know there is always another attempt after this one, but for every failed attempt, the percentage of success goes down (in all reality, I realize that the percentage of success is the same each time, it’s just narrowed down to a more realistic figure after each attempt). I want this cycle to work so badly. I just have to hope that my body wants it just as much as my mind does. And I hope I’m one of the lucky ones that it works for on the first try.