a little bitch session

I mentioned to Mike recently how we need to eventually do something about our washer that keeps on ruining our clothes (we think it has rust in it and it’s out of pure laziness that we do not get rid of it – we have an extra one that works perfectly fine sitting in the back room of our basement) and I mentioned that I’m going to have to go clothes shopping soon if any more of my clothes come out with stains all over them. A thought flitted across my mind of “you’re trying to get pregnant, why would you buy more clothes” before it was quickly replaced by “you might as well, it’s going to be awhile before you get pregnant.”

This reminded me of how much I have put portions of my life on hold when Mike and I first decided to try to get pregnant. Let’s see…I stopped eating fish, stopped drinking alcohol, cut back on coffee, and have had to convince myself to buy new clothes. The first couple of months I was pretty strict with myself keeping to the new regimen, then slowly, every month, I’ve relaxed more and more on these requirements. And now…I’ve given up on them.

In my attempt to look at the positive aspects of mine and Mike’s infertility ordeal, I’ve come to the realization that it’s almost liberating knowing that the months that we can actually try to get pregnant are going to be scheduled. I can eat and drink anything I want without being concerned that I’m going to get pregnant and hurt the baby by not staying away from these “taboo” items. I can have 4 or 5 or even 6 cups of coffee, and not have to think “oh, what if I’m pregnant?” (not to say that is healthy for me, but you know what I mean). I can go to Atlantic City for the weekend and get totally sloshed. Because I know that in order to get pregnant, a fucking miracle would have to occur without medical intervention. See, positive thinking…

A woman I work with showed me a scrapbook she had put together for her husband for father’s day. I thought it was so sweet, but I had to fight back tears. I hate this. I do not like being a dramatic person, and I feel like that is exactly what I am doing. I’ve read other people’s stories of infertility, and theirs is much more devastating than mine. I know there is still hope in my case. It’s not as if we’ve been trying for years to have a baby, and tried everything. We haven’t even begun trying (well, not medically anyway).

I feel hopeful, I feel frustrated, I feel sad all in one. Some days are better than others. My friend called me the other day and asked me if I am pregnant yet – I haven’t told her the news. She started making jokes about giving me her eggs. I just didn’t want to turn the conversation into this dreary thing…so I just laughed. She then told me that our friend Heather is pregnant – by accident. I jokingly said “that bitch”…but I was only half-joking. I’m just tired of hearing about all these women getting pregnant from one night stands, or because they forgot to use a condom that one time. It’s just too much. Why does it seem like the people who really want children have such a hard time, and the people who don’t even care are getting pregnant so easily? For as many infertility stories I’ve heard, I’ve heard just as many of the one-night stand stories. And if I were to say all of this to someone without infertility problems, guess what I would probably hear? “Just relax!”

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6 Responses to “a little bitch session”

  1. ewokmama Says:

    It sucks living in wait. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the wait isn’t too much longer!

  2. Beth Says:

    I can’t imagine how you’re feeling these days. I’m not going to say “just relax” but I’ll try to provide a little bit of optimism.

    I used to feel the same way, that people trying to get pregnant couldn’t and those who didn’t want to did so by accident. My mindset has changed a bit in the last few years though as my friends started having (planned) pregnancies. I think we just hear more of the stories at either end of it, the “accidents” and the struggles with infertility. People who took 4-6 months to get pregnant don’t really talk too much about it cause it’s just not an issue for them.

    I am a believer in fate and for what it’s worth I believe you’ll get a bun in the oven. It may not be on the timeline you want (when do kids ever do things on our timelines? ;-)) , but it’ll happen.

  3. Holly Says:

    Beth,

    I appreciate your optimism. I think you’re right, that we tend to hear more about the stories on either end, and it can get frustrating. But it’s too soon to get myself worked up. I still have plenty of time to try for a baby, and I know I just have to stay hopeful. Though some days it is easier than others.

  4. Lisa Says:

    I am so glad to find your blog. My husband and I are going through something really similar at the moment. I do not have PCOS and I am waiting on scheduling an HSG. But we started trying to conceive in September 2006. I started worrying a little after four months, but once we hit the 7, 8, 9 month window I really started to panic. I went to my OBGYN and she did bloodword to see if it was PCOS (it was not). She did a semen analysis on my husband and his sperm count was less than 1 million, poor morphology, and white blood cells in semen. She referred him to a urologist and he goes Monday (July 16th) for his appointment. It sucks to have to wait and see what your options are. I am definitely going to keep up with your blog. Thanks for being so brave and putting it all out there for people to see.

  5. Holly Says:

    Lisa,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it’s hard, and I hope that tomorrow’s appointment for your husband can help him get some more information.

    I’ve done a lot of research, and the good news is that even with very low sperm count, it still may be possible to have children. I’ve never dealt with the low morphology or white blood cells, but there are ways for them to separate good sperm from bad sperm. Hopefully the urologist has some answers for you two. There is a procedure called IVF with ICSI, which is where they inject one sperm directly into the extracted egg, which is possibly what they may suggest for you.

    If you ever want to talk, my email address is daizy_lov@yahoo.com. I wish the best for you and your husband!

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