what to do…

I’m having somewhat of an “inner battle” right now. Before I explain why, I’ll tell you something about myself – I don’t like my personal life interfering with my professional life. I’ve never been one to open up at work, because I prefer to keep a professional relationship with my coworkers. I also do not like feeling like I’m using my personal life as an excuse at work.

Now to the reason for my turmoil. Today, my “boss” (not really, but it’s hard to explain, so it’s easier just to call him that) asked me to go on a work related trip down to Virginia in a few weeks. I said sure, because I couldn’t think of a valid reason to say no. Well, I came home and found out Mike made an appointment with the urologist for right in the middle of my trip. I thought no big deal, I don’t have to be there, right? Wrong. The urologist would like to see us both.

There are several options here. Option A) We can move the appointment, which I really really do not want to do. Option B) I can tell my “boss” that I have an important appointment that will possibly determine if my husband’s infertility can be fixed and I’d rather not go on the trip, which if you read the tidbit about myself above you’ll understand why I’d rather not use this option. And Option C) Just don’t go to the appointment. I mean, how much do they really need me there anyway? What can a urologist do for me? Except that I really really want to go.

Each one of these options sucks in its own way. The first one would delay us finding out something really important about Mike’s infertility by more than a week or so, the second one would violate my rule of not letting my personal life interfere with my professional life, and the third one would mean me missing an appointment that could potentially reveal life changing information regarding the one thing that is most important in my life right now…(A bit dramatic, right?)

So you’re probably still wondering what the big deal is, right? The problem is that the selfish part of me wants to tell work to go screw themselves, that I have personal matters and that takes precedence. But then there is this inner voice that is asking me: “do you really want to focus your whole existence around your infertility?” I mean, isn’t that what I would be doing if I start arranging my life around my infertility appointments? Isn’t it important that I not let this consume me? Shouldn’t I try to maintain a semi-normal existence that is not centered around my infertility problems? So there you have it, my “inner battle”.

Anyone have any advice to offer?

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9 Responses to “what to do…”

  1. ewokmama Says:

    I always have advice to offer! 😉

    I’ll tell you what a VP at my work told me last year before I gave birth to Jack: “If there comes a situation where you have to choose between work and your family, choose your family.”

    With that said, I do not think there is any need to share the information that your husband is being seen for infertility treatment. You could say that your husband has an appointment with a specialist physician and you need to be there, or just say that YOU have an appointment with a specialist physician, and say that it cannot be postponed. You are under no obligation to share the details.

  2. Holly Says:

    That’s good advice by that VP. Family should always come first. Sometimes it is hard to do that, though.

    And you are right, I suppose I do not have to go into detail as to what the appointment is regarding. I think I’ve proven my work ethic that they should not question me. I guess I wouldn’t consider it a big deal if I had known of the appointment before I said I could go. They have to supply 2 people for this trip, so if I cancel, they’ll have to find another person, which makes me feel just a little guilty because the appointment could technically be moved. I’ll feel much better on Monday if they tell me they can easily find someone else, because then I won’t feel like I’m leaving them high and dry. Of course, if they tell me they can’t find someone else, I may not have a choice in the matter.

  3. shailushi Says:

    hi holly.

    sorry to hear about your fertility issues. i hope that they get sorted out soon!

    that said, i think EM is right. there comes a time when family has to come before home…work will always be there. at some point, your personal life will and should overlap with yoor professional life.

    and EM is right to say that you don’t need to get into the details about why you can’t go. you could just tell your boss that you have a very important appointment scheduled during that week that you can’t miss, that you’re sorry, and that you hope he/she will think of you the next time something like this comes up.

  4. Holly Says:

    Shailushi,

    Thank you for your comment. After much consideration of what I should do, I have decided that right now my infertility issues far outweigh anything at work. I am used to putting work first, but you’re right, there comes a time when my personal life has to take precedence. This is just too important for me to put off, even if I could technically push off the appointment for a week.

    The only reason I thought that I might have to share the details is because I am in the military, and we do not get nearly as much freedom as civilians in making our own choices. If they tell me that I have to go on this trip, then I will have no choice. I am going to try to tell them only that I am seeing a specialist, but they may not consider that important enough to let me pass on the trip. I’ll just have to wait and see on Monday.

  5. shailushi Says:

    ah, yes– i forgot about the military aspect of your workplace. i suppose that puts a little kibosh on privacy concerns, huh?

    well, i hope things work out. balancing work and home life is always hard, but i keep reminding myself that there will always be time to work, but focusing on having a child is a relatively time limited thing.

  6. Beth Says:

    I’m a little bit late but I agree with Crystal and Shailushi. I would just say that you have a “personal appointment” you cannot break. No need to offer TMI from the get-go.

    I don’t think it’s wrong to put an infertility related appointment ahead of work. If you were pregnant or had a baby now and needed to take off work for an appointment no one would question it and they shouldn’t question this. It’s all about the same thing, family.

    Hope everything work s/ed out.

  7. Holly Says:

    Beth, I agree, unfortunately my work did not. I ended up telling them that I had an important appointment with a medical specialist, but they pretty much said unless there is no way I can reschedule, then I have to go on the trip. The joys of the military…but I was able to work it out so that we didn’t have to reschedule, I just wont be there to find out the news firsthand. It sucks, but at least the appointment didn’t have to be moved.

  8. ewokmama Says:

    You should give Mike a list of questions to ask. If he’s anything like Joe, he will miss a lot of details that you will want to know about!

  9. Holly Says:

    Yeah, if I thought Mike would actually ask the questions, then I would do that 🙂 No, honestly, I don’t even know what I would want to ask. I’m sure I would come up with things if I were at the appointment, but not ever having seen a urologist, I don’t know where to begin. If nothing else, I will just call the doctor afterwards to ask follow up questions.


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