another milestone reached

I had my baseline appointment this morning, and I feel like I’ve reached another milestone in my infertility treatment. It feels good for something to actually happen, and I love having events to mark off on the calendar. It helps me break down the time into smaller chunks. Anyway, the appointment was scheduled for 6:45am, so after waking up at 4:30am, sucking down two cups of coffee to get me going, I hit the road by 5:45 so I could beat traffic. That got me there by 6:30, but I still was number 14 in line! I guess people were eager to get in line this morning. I’m pretty sure I was the last one to get called back, too.

The baseline consisted of bloodwork, a sonogram, and a face-to-face with the physician. After my blood was taken, they called me back for the sonogram where they looked for any abnormalities in my uterus and on my ovaries – none found. Dr. ICan’tRememberHisName put Mike to work writing down the dimensions of my ovaries and follicle count (Mike had to attend, since they require a chaperon at every visit). I can’t remember the exact dimensions, but I think the right one was something like 27×21x25, and the left one was 30×19x18. He counted 51 follicles on my right ovary (yes, that’s a lot, thank you PCOS), and 24 on my left. He said this count was just to get an idea of what they might expect once I start taking the drugs to produce the eggs.

After the sonogram, we went into his office, where he went over my calendar for the next several weeks. As of today, I drop my dosage of Lupron from 20 down to 5 units, and on Sunday, I start FSH and HMG injections. I’ll be taking 1cc of FSH in the morning mixed with one powder, and then 1cc of HMG in the evening with one powder along with my Lupron. Luckily, these are all subcutaneous injections, so that makes them a little easier. Tentatively, my egg retrieval is scheduled for November 15th, but from what I understand, it could be as early as the 13th. Only two weeks away!

The baseline was followed up by an injection class, where they taught us how to mix the medications, and went over when and how to give the injections. It was a pretty simple class, although there is a HUGE bag of needles the nurse gave me (which is pretty daunting). At the end of the class, she called each couple in one at a time – we got to go first, lucky us – where we had to practice the injections. Since I’m already a pro at the Lupron shots which are subcutaneous, we skipped right to the intramuscular, where Mike got to stick a needle in my ass :p I have to admit, I was pretty nervous, especially since I could see Mike almost shaking, and I couldn’t even watch. But surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad. He’ll have to give me that shot the day I take the HSG, and then every day once I start taking the Progesterone in Oil. I’m just glad I don’t have to do it myself, because it’s a pretty damn big needle. It still kind of messes me up watching the small needle of Lupron go in.

That’s it until next Wednesday. Hopefully everything goes smooth from here on out.

Happy Halloween!

If there were a contest for the cutest pirate, my nephew would win! Check him out at my sister’s blog.

apparently I need a trip to the caribbean

It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless people can be. I had an appointment with the dentist this afternoon for a check up, and had to update my paperwork. In a hurry to get the paperwork done since they were ready to call me back, I misread one of the questions as “what medication are you currently on?” instead of “what allergy medicine are you currently on?”, and I filled out Lupron and prenatal vitamins When the dentist came in to see me, and started asking me questions, I realized I had filled out the question wrong. I tried to sidestep his questioning, but he insisted on finding out what Lupron was for. After a multitude of questions, I finally ended up telling him I was taking it for fertility treatments (I’m not good under pressure). He then proceeded to tell me about his sister who had problems getting pregnant, who had to go through fertility treatments and it ended up being that she had to take antibiotics (she had somehow started producing antibodies against her husbands sperm) and now she had two kids. At this point, I’m giving him a polite smile but not saying anything, because I don’t want to encourage any more discussion. Then he goes on to tell me how him and his wife had no problem getting pregnant, how they had decided to have kids, and it just happened…goodie for him. Here’s the kicker – he then tells me that all I really need is a 2 week trip to the Caribbean to relax. So that’s it! Why spend all this money on fertility treatments when according to my dentist, all I need is a trip to the Caribbean to cure us of infertility? Who would have known?

good ol’ lupron

It’s day # 8 of Lupron, and I’ve been riding the hormonal roller coaster since around day #5. I’m usually not a very emotional person (at least not according to me), so if you were to meet me for the first time, you probably would not notice anything amiss. However, the mood swings are something new for me, and have been kicking my ass. The littlest things make me feel depressed and want to cry. Going to work is hard, and I’ve lost most of my motivation to do anything. Honestly though, I’m not sure it’s fair to blame it on the Lupron…or if it’s just dealing with infertility in general.

I feel broken. I feel like being able to make a baby is such a natural event, and yet my body cannot do it on its own. I feel cheated. I wonder why me? I wonder if I was born like this, or is it because of my lifestyle? I feel mad. I hate that I have to take medication to get my body to do what it’s naturally supposed to on its own. I hate that Mike and I can’t spontaneously decide “hey, let’s have another baby”. I feel alone at work. I’m sad that I feel this separation from all my coworkers that I can’t talk about my pain with them. I’m sad that I have to keep up this happy front at work when half the time I just want to burst out in tears.

Lately I’ve been daydreaming a lot about moving to California to be closer to my family. I’ve been talking about it a lot over the past year, ever since my sister had my nephew, and Mike has finally agreed to move after I get out of the Navy. But the daydream includes the thought of raising our child in California. I want to raise our child to be close to his/her cousins. I want our child to be close to my family, not just see them once or twice a year. And I really want this daydream to happen.

I sometimes feel like a broken record, because all I keep saying is that I really want this cycle to work. And I suppose I will continue to sound like a broken record until this cycle does work. Because no kidding, I really want this cycle to work…

p.s. A piece of advice for giving the Lupron shots – make sure to shove the needle in fast, because otherwise…well, otherwise it hurts and leaves a little bruise.

male evalutation results

Sperm count per milliliter: .2 million (notice the dot in front of the 2)

Motility: 50% (above 40% is normal)

Morphology: too low to count

24 Hour survival rate: too low to count

Suffice it to say, there was no miracle increase in Mike’s sperm count. We’re still going with ICSI. But now I’m left wondering why there was such a drop from the last two tests (previous tests had a count of around 1 million)? Should we be worried, or is it normal for sperm count to fluctuate? And is there a possibility that it could drop even lower to the point of no sperm?

just some thoughts

Something hit me the other night when I was being (overly) anxious about giving myself Lupron shots…I realized that this is actually happening. I’m actually in the process of trying to make a baby. Possibly even two. This is crazy. There is a large part of me that is very excited about it, and then there is this other part of me that is scared to death. There are so many things that I worry abut. Such as what if it doesn’t work? How will I react? What if it does work? What if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage? (I know, that’s a terrible thought, but I’ve read so many other women’s experiences with this, and it’s something that can very possibly happen). Then again, what if I get pregnant, and actually have a baby? I’ll be a mother. That’s scary as well. I know that sounds silly, since all I’ve been thinking about for the past 13 months is wanting to have my own child. But I have to wonder if I’ll be a good mother? I will be the one responsible for teaching him/her manners, and helping him/her learn, and helping him/her be a good person. I look forward to getting the chance to be a great mother, but it’s a huge responsibility that I worry I will somehow screw up.

As I start thinking about all that, I am yanked back into the reality that I may not even be able to have a child. I’m too realistic, and I can’t allow myself to daydream too much. I feel like I have to prepare myself for failure, otherwise I will break emotionally if this cycle does fail. I know there is always another attempt after this one, but for every failed attempt, the percentage of success goes down (in all reality, I realize that the percentage of success is the same each time, it’s just narrowed down to a more realistic figure after each attempt). I want this cycle to work so badly. I just have to hope that my body wants it just as much as my mind does. And I hope I’m one of the lucky ones that it works for on the first try.

that was easy

Well, I just gave myself my first shot of Lupron.   I have to say it was very simple and painless, much better than I had expected.  I didn’t even feel the needle go in.  I ended up giving myself the shot in my lower abdomen, and now the skin is a little red and I have a small bump, but that’s about it.  No side effects yet.  Hopefully I’ll have none.   I’m supposed to continue taking Lupron until egg retrieval (roughly November 15th), and stop taking BC this Sunday. 

Now I only have one small problem – how do I dispose of the needle?  I forgot to ask Stephanie about that on the phone, and I feel like it is a bad idea to put them in the garbage bag.  Mike suggested I hang on to them until the next time I go to the docor’s office, and ask them to dispose of them for me.  Unless anyone has any better suggestions?

damn

I dreamt about giving myself Lupron shots all last night…now I’m just ready to get it over with, and I can’t get ahold of Stephanie for instructions!  So frustrating.

lupron shots

I start my Lupron shots tomorrow, and I’m starting to get really nervous.  I sat down tonight and read through all the instructions, and just thinking about sticking a needle in myself is kind of freaking me out!   I’m not necessarily scared of shots – the one’s at the doctor’s office don’t bother me as long as I don’t watch the needle go in.  And I generally feel like they know what they are doing (with the exception of my last experience).  But I don’t know what I’m doing!  I’ve never had to give myself an injection, and the picture of the needle on the instructions looks daunting.  I just hope I do it right the first time.

Anyway, I’m supposed to call Stephanie first thing tomorrow morning, and she’s going to walk me through giving myself the shot.  It’s going to be hard talking on my cell phone and sticking myself with a needle, but I guess I’ll have to manage, right?   Too bad I don’t have speakerphone.

I might also find out about Mike’s male evaluation test results tomorrow.   He went in last week to supply his sample (he mentioned that the IVF clinic provides a much nicer room than the times he went for a semen analysis – they provide magazines), and they said it would take about a week for the results to come back.  I’m curious what type of results they return, since we already know he’s got a low sperm count.  Who knows, maybe the count went up miraculously!   Not counting on it, but it’s nice to dream.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

should i be worried?

Okay, I don’t have anything to update on the baby making front, but my posting has been dwindling recently, and I feel like writing tonight.  I’m sure it will pick up around the 15th, since that’s when I’ll have plenty of stories to tell regarding giving myself shots of Lupron (my first series of hormone shots that I’m sure will make me cry on whim or some shit like that).

Remember a while back when I visited my RE, and she told me that I need to start eating?  That I’m too thin?  And how I didn’t agree?  I think she would throw a shitfit now.  I weighed myself the other day, and found that I’ve lost weight (weight that I have not been trying to lose).  I now weigh 111 lbs.  That’s actually 3 pounds less than I’d weighed just about a month prior – on the same scale (yes, the scale is correct because it has to be calibrated since it’s used to weigh military personnel in for meeting standards).  And no, I’m not bragging.  I actually have no idea how I’ve lost the weight, nor do I want to continue losing weight.  While I do try to eat healthy on a somewhat consistent basis, I have not been so succesful recently.  I’ve also increased the amount I eat daily because I’ve been incorporating in more fruits into my diet, plus ensuring that I eat 3 meals a day plus a late night snack (I used to skip breakfast).  Now I’m at a loss of how to stop losing the weight, since I’m not sure what I’m doing to cause the loss.  I’m not even sure that it’s a problem.  I calculated my BMI, and I am still within a normal range.  The only reason I worry is because my RE seemed to be so concerned about it when I was 117 lbs.  I also worry that maybe I’m not getting enough nutrition from what I am eating since my weight keeps dropping.  I think if I continue to lose weight, I’m going to ask for a referral to a nutritionist (especially if I succesfully get pregnant), to make sure I’m on the right track in my eating habits.  If anyone has any suggestions – other than eating crap – please comment.

On another note, in my wanderings through Safeway health food section the other day (my recent new obsession), I found a really good organic dark chocolate whole soy frozen yogurt.  It is so yummy!!!  I know that probably doesn’t qualify for health food, but it’s healthier than regular ice cream, right?   If you come across it, I highly recommend that you try it.